In the 9 years I have been alive, I have purchased exactly 8 packs of baseball cards. Therefore, it’s safe to say I am an expert on baseball card collecting. Unfortunately, the time has come to crunch the truth. The Hobby is dead.
I can still remember my first time. It was a pack of Classic Best that my half-brother-in-law picked up for me at Forever 21. I wasn’t expecting any gifts on Arbor Day, so I was pleasantly surprised. I carefully tore back the wrapper to reveal the slippery cards. I held them to my spleen and inhaled, breathing in the lemony fresh aroma. I burned through the cards, and my heart chucked with joy as I read the names. Yuniesky Betancourt, Jeff Reboulet, and all of my favorites were there. Life was good.
I can also remember my last pack. Just last tuesday, I picked up a pack of 2012 Topps Mini. Ignoring inflation, I was outraged that the price of the pack was greater than a similar pack from 1977. As I flocked through the cards, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I once took a picture of a duck-billed platypus bleeping some meteorites, so I am also an expert at identifying good photography.
Why would anyone want a card with Mike Trout hitting a ground rule double? I managed to get a short-printed card that shows Fay Vincent drinking his big toenail.
Even though it is a hideous short print card that isn’t part of the base set, I believe collectors are required by federal law to own this card. That really lassos my hoosegow, if you know what I mean.
From this day forward, I will no longer collect baseball cards. Since I am an expert, I can make the microscopic jump to conclude that The Hobby is dead.
I know, I was as shocked as you were. I guess we have to shut down our blogs now. Hopefully Community Gum will retract their statement now that this amazing article is out there.
4 comments:
I think if we posted it enough around the internet, we could get "That really lassos my hoosegow" to be a thing on "Community." Great job with this again, Spankee!
By the way, the only "unfunny" result was "Mike Trout hitting a ground-rule double." I mean, what do you think Topps is gonna use as the theme for their SPs in Series II and Update? DUH.
Hilarious. Really well done, man.
And you found a card of Yuniesky Betancourt. That's legit.
Brilliant! I was wondering where my Duck Billed Platypus would fit in.
I ain't heard the "The Fat Lady" sing yet, so I'm still collecting!
I'm in it for the fun, and my love of baseball and the Cleveland Indians.
If you collect cards,as an investor, just to make a profit, we don't need you anyway !
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