In the 9 years I have been alive, I have purchased exactly 8 packs of baseball cards. Therefore, it’s safe to say I am an expert on baseball card collecting. Unfortunately, the time has come to crunch the truth. The Hobby is dead.
I can still remember my first time. It was a pack of Classic Best that my half-brother-in-law picked up for me at Forever 21. I wasn’t expecting any gifts on Arbor Day, so I was pleasantly surprised. I carefully tore back the wrapper to reveal the slippery cards. I held them to my spleen and inhaled, breathing in the lemony fresh aroma. I burned through the cards, and my heart chucked with joy as I read the names. Yuniesky Betancourt, Jeff Reboulet, and all of my favorites were there. Life was good.
I can also remember my last pack. Just last tuesday, I picked up a pack of 2012 Topps Mini. Ignoring inflation, I was outraged that the price of the pack was greater than a similar pack from 1977. As I flocked through the cards, I couldn’t help but feel disappointed. I once took a picture of a duck-billed platypus bleeping some meteorites, so I am also an expert at identifying good photography.
Why would anyone want a card with Mike Trout hitting a ground rule double? I managed to get a short-printed card that shows Fay Vincent drinking his big toenail.
Even though it is a hideous short print card that isn’t part of the base set, I believe collectors are required by federal law to own this card. That really lassos my hoosegow, if you know what I mean.
From this day forward, I will no longer collect baseball cards. Since I am an expert, I can make the microscopic jump to conclude that The Hobby is dead.
I know, I was as shocked as you were. I guess we have to shut down our blogs now. Hopefully Community Gum will retract their statement now that this amazing article is out there.