Introducing a revolution in baseball cards...

Here's the Mad Lib:



In recognition of the Women's World Cup, O-Pee-Chee pays tribute with new Radium Bravery Baseball Cards.

The base set consists of 5,629 stars, rookies, prospects and retired players on the finest slippery cardstock. Every box is guaranteed to have at least one Gerald Laird autograph.

The insert checklist for this set is incredibly gnarly, with Pack-Searcher Refractors of Snooki and Larry the Cable Guy. Look for hobby exclusive cards die cut in the shape of a coatimundi.

Each card from the base set will also have 13 parallels. Parallels will come in a variety of colors, such as mauve, and textures, such as lollipop.

The gimmickry abounds in this new product, as special variations base cards can be found of several shortstops spelunking with a baseball.

The relic set includes rare artifacts from a variety of Colt .45s. Items embedded into cards include plain white jerseys, event-used wads of chew, and game-worn knickers.

Each box comes with one of two boxloaders. The relic boxloaders will contain an entire deep-fried oreo found in a Petco Park bathroom. If you are hairy enough, you may receive a special boxloader redemption card, good for a free Hideo Nomo tattoo on your big toe.

One lucky collector will come across a DNA Irrefutable Box, in which each pack contains an actual piece of Ty Cobb.

This product is certain to crush the shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits out of Upper Deck Documentary.




...Well, that was good fun.  Certainly went out with a bang.  While making the customs, I searched for pictures of a "big toe".  I dare you to google image search "big toe".  See how far down the page you can get without puking.  Thanks for everyone's help!