Friday, March 21, 2014

Finding the Ultimatest Superest Jumboest Repack

Ultimate Super Jumbo.  Those aren't just any little words.  Those are fighting words.  Don't come in to my Dollar Tree and act like you are bigger and badder than everything else.  'Round my neck of the woods we bring it when we say we gon' bring it.

But first, there can be only one.

Ultimate Super Jumbo pack 1:

Jerome Mincy: -10 points for being on one of the worst card designs ever.
Chris Gatling, Kenny Gattison: +5 points for going to ODU.
Doug West: No points.
Christian Laettner: +2 points since it's tournament time and he won 2 NCAA chips.
Randy Moss: No points.
Chuck Person: +45 points for having the number 45 twice on one card.
Thurl Bailey: +5 points because it takes a real man to wear goggles and be named Thurl.
Michael Jackson: -10 points because Billie Jean is not my lover.

Catledge/Griffith: +2 points because old Skybox cards are brilliant.
Radek Bonk: +3 points for making me think of Bonkers candy.  +3 more points because I now know the Leaf bought the rights to Bonkers and plans to bring them back.
Bourque/Giguere: +2 points for being hockey names I recognize.
Cliff Speck: -10 points for not having a small piece of dirt on his jersey. I almost want to give him points because Cliff Speck makes me think of Wile E Coyote...almost.
Randy Bush: +69 points.
Sandy Alomar: No points.
Fernando Valenzuela: +1 point.  Fernando deserves at least that much.

Total for pack 1: 107 points.

Ultimate Super Jumbo pack:

Randy Moss: Still no points.
Mark Rypien: +26 points because I made a Lego football stadium for Super Bowl XXVI.
Orlando Woolridge: 0 points.  Next time choose a better jersey number.
Jeff Malone: -10 points.  Wrong Malone.
Jerome Kersey: No points.
Winston Garland: +12 points for fantastic jerseys.
Andrew Lang: +100 for a Rony Seikaly appearance.

We interrupt this pack to bring you a video.  Highlights by Rony Seikaly.  Music, also by Rony Seikaly:

I'd say the 100 points is justified, now.

Marv Cook: -20 points.  Too many Cooks in the kitchen.

Orlando Hernandez: +2 points for being shiny.
Kirby Puckett: No points.
Pete Incaviglia: -5 points because I feel dirty saying his name while he looks at me like that.
Mike Lalor: +1 for O-Pee-Chee
Lafleur's Farewell: +5 for just being a cool card.
Jyrki Lumme: -2 points for being named Jyrki.
Kevin Hatcher: no points.

At this point, pack two has 109 points, which is enough to just barely edge out pack 1.  However, there were six cards left in the pack that would change this battle significantly.

The wrapper said the pack was filled with sports cards.  I therefore have no choice but to disqualify pack 2 for having six ineligible non-sport cards.

Pack 1 wins.

Ultimate Super Jumbo has tarnished the good name of Rony Seikaly.  For that, I will never forgive you.


RAZ said...

The slower you say Incaviglia, the dirtier you feel afterward.

Brad's Blog said...

Some of these rules should make it into gint a cuffs!